This page is going to be about my children. Something happens to a person when they have a child, something deep inside. I have three children. That is Shawn with his mother, below him is Clair and below Clair is Valerie.
All three of my children had wonderful mothers and whatever success they have in life, the people they became, the condition of their hearts, whatever empathy they possess, is due to their moms, not me.
I was not a stay at home father, I always had to work, or at least I thought I had too. There were millions of fathers around the world who worked, but found time to be great fathers, I was not a great father, I wasn’t even a poor father, I was all the same as no father at all. I always thought growing up that I would make a great father when the time came for that, as it turned out, I was the worst father, perhaps even, it would have been better for everyone had I never been a father at all, certainly it would have not hurt so bad.
But I am grateful that they have life, children of their own, good homes and husbands, stability. I will of course go on to my dying day, grieving for them. Fathers love their children too, and my advice to all mothers is this, give the men who fathered your children the space they need to be fathers to those children. Do not stand between the father and the children. Keep the path to them open for him, invisible barriers are still barriers just the same. I love my children, when I learned of them I wanted them.
My failures as a father should not reflect on the mothers of my children, my failures are my own to bare. I loved my wives, they were wonderful in their own ways, and I still love and have fond memories of all of them, and they certainly more than made up for my deficiencies as a father.
However the path I took in life, the role I had in this life, I often feel was one of assignment, not one of choice. I have always felt that if I were living a life of my own, I would be living among the rivers and trees of the North, for some reason, I am called to the North. Every human is unique, and there is not another like them in the world, but humans do share certain commonalities, wants, needs, desires, common to us all. We are often categorized into groups like Suzie Homemaker, Soccer Moms, Jock’s, Politicians, Career Soldiers, ETC.
Then there are men like me, who actually do things, beyond the wasting or destruction of lives. Some of us are spoken of as having gifts or special skills by nature, as if born with them. I grew to understand within myself I seem to be one of those men, who had bestowed upon me, gifts, not of my own making, but of my nature. I seemed to have this propensity, this natural knowing, this insight, this inborn skill in electricity, electronics, welding, carpentry, as if it were not earned, but given to me.
Now you might be saying what on earth does this have to do with his children ?
When I moved to Los Angeles I became involved in the entertainment industry, music, film, production and post production, all of which desperately needed men with my skills. But we were very, very, rare, and the demand upon those who possessed those skills was overwhelming. Guys like me did all we could to help if there was any way we could, and when you look at the client list, you can understand why it was almost impossible to say no. There simply was no interest in the general population to learn about anything beyond the latest game controller or Dodger score. I turned down work every single day, I could not work for everyone, so I became in time very selective. I had a million chances to go to work for clients, for recording studios, for production houses, for post houses, tour with bands. But I always felt that I had to own my own business if I were to ever be successful. You can make a good living working for someone else, but if you want more than a living, you had to have your own business.
I sold electronic parts to the recording studios, broadcast networks, production and post production studios, motion picture lots, during the day. This brought me face to face with people in my client list. At night I would design, build and repair electronic equipment for the music business mostly. So this was two jobs, that kept me very busy, 24/7. But I also knew that I could not keep up this pace forever, I needed my own business, so in addition to having these two jobs, I had to build a business on top of all of that. It would have killed a mortal man.
I was blindly driven to give the people that I loved more than just an existence, but in the end it cost me them, I paid the price in family, something no amount of money can buy. It cost my children a father, and my wife, her husband. I never felt like I had a choice. One income alone could not pay the bills, so I had to work two jobs. In addition to that I had to support an apartment for my wife and children, and also a building to do my engineering and repair business, this also meant double the rents, double the utilities, double the telephone bills. Now add to that, building a business, so that the madness could stop, and you can begin to understand my madness.
In the words of Reba McEntire in “The Greatest Man I Never Knew” “How was I to know that what he did for us took all he had”. I did all I could, I did more than I could. I knew something was wrong in the world economy, that something was not right, but 30 years ago I did not understand the Geo Politics that were at play like I do now. In the words of Sidney Poitier “What I did was what I was supposed to do ” so I am not complaining, and never once did it come up into my heart to complain about my load, but I sure could of used some rest.
My family, my friends, my children, my wives, to this very day know nothing of the work I did, they have no interest what so ever. Until I put up this blog, no one except the people I worked for knew about my work, so this claim of me being a narcissist or needing some sort of exaggerated self aggrandizement, or feeling of self importance, well let me inform you, three jobs will beat that out of you, if you ever felt that need. It was the exact opposite of a narcissist, I was killing myself on behalf of others, I didn’t give myself a thought. And right this minute I am not thinking of myself, what I am doing with my life right now, is on behalf of others. I wish my children knew their father, he is a good man, worth knowing, but with every generation, we do not appreciate our forefathers until they are gone. I would give anything just to be able to say hello to my father.